I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
