I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
