im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
