she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
