Drunk walkin through police station. America
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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