You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
