I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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