shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
