ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
