She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
