I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
