so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
