During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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