Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was not drunk enough for that final.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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