her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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