im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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