there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
