No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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