There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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