He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize
