My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
