you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
