Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
