i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
either way he was missing a nipple.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
this is an emotional support booty call
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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