My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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