How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she pinky promised me she was 18
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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