Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
