Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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