hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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