I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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