I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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