So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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