I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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