So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
