she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
