I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize