You're earring is so big in my mouth
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
