I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
