Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize