I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
