i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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