her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
