the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
