12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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