Ambien. No doubt about it.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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