Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
