Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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