she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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