Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
