wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm jealous of your bromance
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
