In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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