I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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