so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
