Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
