i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
