I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
