Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize