I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
